


Your Death That Separates Us

by Jetti



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 18:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11834178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jetti/pseuds/Jetti
Summary: Brendon and Ryan fall in love and are soon to be married, when they are assaulted by a group of homophobes. Ryan dies, leaving Brendon to mourn the love of his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been out of the fandom for a number of years now. Thought I would post a fic that's been sitting in my fic folder for a while. I had some ideas for this story. I hope to get back into the writing game soon.
> 
> Feel free to let me know what tags I should add to this. I've really been out of this fandom for a while.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay here, Brendon? Jon and I would be more than glad to stay to make sure you’re all right,” Spencer sincerely offers, his blue eyes soft and sad. 

“I know, thank you,” he tries his hardest to smile for his friend and fails, managing a grimace instead, “but I’d like to be alone right now.” 

Jon sits down on the bed next to Spencer, where Brendon is lying down, and puts a hand on his shoulder. “If you say so, buddy. Now don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.” 

“I won’t,” Brendon replies. “Thanks for everything. You guys are the best of friends.” 

“I’m happy to hear that,” Jon smiles, patting and squeezing his shoulder then lets him go. Spencer leans in for a tight hug and follows Jon out of the bedroom. Brendon waits to hear the sound of the front door shutting before closing his eyes, sighing, and turning on his side. He slides over to Ryan’s side of the bed, inhaling the scent of his pillow—still lingering a bit of his shampoo—and exhales shakily. Brendon takes the pillow and hugs it to his chest and smells it some more. Tears fall from the man’s closed eyes as he reminisces of the time they first met and the events following. 

Brendon was eighteen, a college freshman, when he literally ran into someone on his way to class. Brendon wasn’t exactly the most held together and organized guy; on the contrary, he was the most forgetful person he knew, which was why he had been running late for his first college class ever and, on top of that, had no idea where he was going. It wasn’t a surprise when an unsuspecting person ended up on the hard concrete of the campus sidewalk at the fault of Brendon’s rushed and confused demeanor. Brendon had quickly gotten up off of the person he basically tackled to the ground and began apologizing profusely for his actions. It wasn’t until he was in the middle of picking up the stranger’s fallen papers did he look up to get a look at the person. The guy was gorgeous, and not just the average handsome, but boy pretty. Brendon had paused for a moment to stare, then caught himself and continued collecting the rest of the papers, eyes averted and sputtering over his apology even more. The guy laughed at his antics and said it was fine, accepting his papers from Brendon’s shaky and slightly sweaty hands. The two got up off the sidewalk and Brendon explained why he had been in such a rush, adjusting his red glasses self-consciously, to which the stranger only smiled and nodded understandingly. He directed Brendon to the correct building where his class should be held. Brendon watched him walk off, only to realize he didn’t know the boy’s name. After that, he realized that he was wasting more time and becoming even later for his class by standing there. Brendon rushed off in the right direction, keeping the stranger’s kind face in his head. 

It was only until after class that same day, with his friend Jon in tow, did Brendon recount the fiasco that was his morning as they entered the local Starbucks. In hopes that Jon could identify the person in question, since Jon had been attending the college a couple years longer than him and may know the guy, he went on to describe the boy as best he could—honey brown eyes, caramel hair that reached surpassed his chin slightly, tall height, long limbs, and skinny physique. Jon had grinned and said “You mean him?” and pointed to the person working behind the counter. Brendon turned to look and gasped; His friend was indeed right. The helpful mystery man worked at the Starbucks within walking distance of their college. 

When their turn in line came up, the stranger smiled at Brendon and took both of their orders. Brendon glanced at the nametag, which said Ryan, and recited the name over and over in his head, as to remember it. With their coffee hot and ready on the countertop, Ryan asked Brendon if he made it to class on time, to which he blushed, scratching the back of his head out of nervous habit, and explained he was only a few minutes late, but the professor did not seem to notice or care. Ryan laughed a bit and nodded knowingly, then moved on to the next person in line. 

At the table, Jon teased him about his ‘boyfriend,’ but Brendon held strong, emphasizing the point that they just met that morning—people didn't hook up that quickly, did they? Jon chuckled, pointing out how much Ryan smiled at only Brendon, not anyone else he was serving. With his eyebrows furrowed, Brendon looked over to investigate these claims and saw Ryan’s stoic face as he assisted customers in line. Ryan caught Brendon’s stare and smiled at him and waved. Brendon blushed and ducked his head, saying lamely that it didn’t mean anything and drank his hot beverage, but Jon would not give it up. 

The next time Brendon looked up from his interesting view of the table surface, he saw Ryan walking toward him. He choked slightly on the expensive coffee in his mouth and coughed quite a bit until he could breathe properly. By that time, Ryan had sat in the previously unoccupied chair at their table, on Brendon’s right and Jon’s left. Boy, did Jon have the biggest knowing grin on his face. Brendon could not help the heat from rising to face as he spoke to Ryan. They chatted for a while, mostly exchanges between Brendon and Ryan of general topics like college majors and future career goals, as Jon watched it take place. All too soon did Ryan’s break end and he had to get back to work. He smiled warmly at Brendon and said he really hoped to see him around some time. Looking at Ryan’s departing figure for the second time that day, Brendon’s mouth was slightly agape, since, well, that meant something, right? Jon laughed good-naturedly and agreed that Ryan’s words were a more-than-friendly hint at something else. The corners of Brendon’s mouth quirked up a bit at the prospect, looking down at his empty coffee cup in his hands where his thumbs ran over his Sharpie-written name in Ryan's neat handwriting. 

Jon and Brendon’s trips to Starbucks had become a daily occurrence,—neglecting their own personal coffeemakers in their dorm rooms—along with hanging out with Ryan on his breaks and Brendon looking around the coffee shop for Ryan if he was not plainly seen, wishing maybe he was in the bathroom because that meant he was still there, just out of view. It was after a few weeks of this that Brendon finally gathered up all his courage to ask the guy out on a date, praying to God he hadn’t misread any signals, because losing Ryan altogether from his stupid mistakes would be a tragedy. 

Jon knew the plan ahead of time and arrived in the Starbucks before Brendon, ordered his coffee, and sat down at the closest available seat by the counter to take vigil and be his friend’s support. Brendon walked in about five minutes later, breathing in and out slowly to calm his quickly beating heart, and went through the well-rehearsed lines in his head as he made his way to the counter. Ryan smiled at Brendon, as per usual, and prepared the coffee order he memorized after making it for Brendon so many times before. As Brendon handed over his money, he quickly asked Ryan out on a date and shut his eyes in embarrassment and readied himself for immediate rejection. After a few seconds of silence, Brendon warily opened his eyes to see an even more smiley Ryan looking back at him. He accepted Brendon’s request and said they could go after Ryan’s shift was over, if that was fine by him. Brendon’s face lit up, practically glowed, as he nodded enthusiastically at Ryan’s time choice. He grabbed his coffee and headed over to sit with Jon, telling him exactly what had happened, all smiles and fluttery hand gestures. 

The date itself was not particularly special, the hackneyed dinner and a movie deal, but it had felt special to Brendon. He was with Ryan Ashland, the boy he had met not too long ago by knocking him off his feet, quite literally, and they were out on a date! Though he was slightly nervous when they first left Starbucks (after coming down from the happy high caused by his crush’s acceptance of his invitation), Ryan acted as he always did, not awkward or unsure at all, which put Brendon at ease and free to enjoy the whole experience for what it was. 

They did not want anything too intimate or expensive since there was no need to impress anyone and they were the stereotypical college students, so they went to nearby diner called Janette’s, which had a large variety of food at reasonable prices. The two acted as they normally would around each other, though there was more smiling and laughing and playful joking. They paid for their own meals and walked side by side to the AMC Theater. The movie they went to see was a romantic comedy and the two whispered funny lines and quips throughout the film to each other, laughing even though their sides hurt. 

Ryan was the first to make a move, putting his hand on Brendon’s, which had been laying idly on the armrest since the beginning of the previews. In turn, Brendon’s head jerked down to see their now touching hands, and then looked up at Ryan, who smiled before looking back at the screen. Brendon sighed happily and continued watching the movie as well, but with a nice warmth on his hand and insides. 

They waited until after the credits to leave, just in case there was an extra scene at the end, but there wasn’t. As the two exited the theater, Brendon grasped Ryan’s hand in his,— hands cupped—looking hopeful that Ryan would like to hold his hand not only in a dark room, but out in the open too. He was elated when Ryan shifted his hand so their fingers were laced and tugged Brendon alongside him. 

The walk back was silent. It was not one of those awkward silences because no one could think of anything to say, but a comfortable silence because there wasn’t much more that needed to be said. Their joined hands swung in time with their walking, Brendon glancing down at them every once and a while just for the warm and fuzzy feeling it created inside him. By the time they reached Brendon’s dorm (because Ryan assured him Brendon’s place was closer than his apartment), Brendon was feeling a bit nervous again, uncertain of what he should do when they got to his door. 

Once the pair had reached their destination, Brendon detached his hand and thanked Ryan for the lovely night while rubbing the back of his neck with his head angled downward, looking at the other boy over the top of his glasses. Ryan smiled and said he had a great time as well and suggested they should do it again real soon. He stepped toward Brendon in that moment. Ryan lightly grabbed his chin, moving it so Brendon’s face was on the same level as his, and slowly and sweetly placed a closed mouth kiss on Brendon’s lips. Brendon’s eyes almost popped out of his head from surprise and a gasp caught in his throat simultaneously. After relaxing his body, Brendon closed his eyes like Ryan had done and reciprocated. The kiss had lasted about a minute when Ryan pulled back and released Brendon’s chin from his grip, saying his final good night to Brendon and kissing his cheek, then leaving the other to lean up against the door. Brendon knew from that precise moment that he was head over heels in love. 

The two officially dated from that time on, never getting tired of the other person. It wasn’t long until Brendon was introduced to Ryan’s best friend, Spencer. Spencer was the kind of person that always thought things completely through before doing anything and was rather protective of his friend, which was why he interrogated Brendon until he was satisfied Brendon was a good match from Ryan, though he whispered a death threat to Brendon if he ever hurt his best friend. Brendon laughed it off, assuming he was just joking, but soon nodded seriously once he saw the look on Spencer’s face. Apparently, Ryan was not the best judge of character when it came to his love interests, so of course his best friend would be suspicious of everyone and anyone Ryan chose to date. Overtime, though, Spencer grew rather fond of Brendon, knowing he truly would never hurt Ryan intentionally. 

Everything seemed to be working out beautifully for the couple and their love did not dwindle after graduation. They decided to have Brendon move into Ryan’s apartment and split the rent, especially since Ryan’s roommate was leaving to go back home. The timing could not have been better. Now young adults and college graduates, the two could work at their respective jobs (Brendon a hairstylist and Ryan a manager and the sole proprietor of his very own coffeehouse), pay for living expenses, and be together as much as possible, which also meant for uninterrupted and unrushed time in the bedroom. Everything seemed to fall into a routine from then on: wake up, snuggle in bed or maybe more, eat, shower, dress, go to work, come back home, either go out to eat or stay in, make love on whatever surface of the apartment they saw fit, sleep, and repeat. Of course it did not always go in that order and things like hanging out with Jon and Spencer and family visits broke the constant cycle, but that was what life was about, living it to the fullest no matter what was thrown their way. 

One night a few years later, though, Ryan suggested they walk around campus for old time’s sake. Brendon thought it strange, but didn’t object. They dressed in light jackets because of the cool breeze and walked to their old college campus. Ryan smiled wider as he led his boyfriend to the sidewalk where Brendon had crashed into him his first day of freshman year and stopped right there. Brendon was nothing short of speechless when Ryan got down on one knee and held up a dark velvet box with a gold ring inside, asking Brendon to marry him. He nodded his head frantically and pulled Ryan back up to his feet, hugging him hard. A few happy tears even escaped his eyes as the two embraced with Brendon’s face against Ryan’s neck. It was not until further inspection that Brendon saw the inscription on the inside of the ring, whichread: My love for you transcends the test of time and death. Yours always, Ryan. He slid the tangible promise on Brendon’s ring finger and it fit perfectly. Everything was perfect, the crisp night, seeing the pair of strangers run into each other on the way, the memorable location, and of course, the person Brendon was in love with. The two kissed passionately under the light of a lamppost, holding each other as closely as they could, the obstacles of clothes and skin preventing them from getting any closer. 

Brendon never thought Ryan to be the marrying type of guy, assuming he would not find the point or need of a piece of paper to prove how they felt about each other when it was so obvious to the world. Brendon was happy his assumption was wrong. He always wanted to be married ever since he was a young child, thinking up the ideal wedding he hoped to have when he grew up. When he first began seeing Ryan, Brendon felt complete, even without the ring on his finger to tell others so, and could live with that if it was what his partner wanted. The fact Ryan wanted marriage too, well, it was impossible for Brendon to be any happier. 

It was not until Brendon thought he had it all did his world come crashing down. 

He and Ryan had been on their way home from another day of shopping for the wedding, which was only a week away, with several bags of the day’s accomplishment, when the unthinkable happened. A group of unidentified men grabbed the couple and pulled them into a dark alley in which they had been concealing themselves. They forced Ryan and Brendon up against the cold brick wall, saying if they didn’t keep quiet nor did what they said, they would be killed. Brendon had never been mugged before, so his body went numb with fear, not knowing what else to do besides follow their orders and stop from crying. It was when one man tried to take off Brendon’s engagement ring did Ryan react, and violently. 

He pushed the man off and away from his fiancé and his symbol and promise of eternal love. The group did not like that one bit. They proceeded to knock Ryan to the ground, all kicking him in the ribs, head, and whatever they could reach; It was utter chaos, Brendon could not even tell where Ryan was in the mass of people and flying limbs. Without his mind’s consent, Brendon’s body responded all on its own. He screamed his voice raw, trying to get to Ryan and use his own body as a shield. The group continued to attack Brendon as well, causing his glasses to fall and shatter, until all the noise caused them to be brought to attention by someone walking by. The group scattered, not wanting to be around once the cops showed up, deeming the couple’s possessions not worth the risk of jail time. The Good Samaritan called the police by cellular phone and the last thing Brendon could register before passing out was Ryan saying it would all be okay. 

The next time he woke, he was in a hospital bed, feeling his absolute horrible state of being, and bothered by how the bright the lights were. After a second, Brendon’s mind immediately went to Ryan, wondering where exactly he was and if he was okay. His family, Spencer, and Jon were there, all crowded around his bed, happy to see he was awake. Despite not having his glasses, Brendon could see Spencer's red and wet eyes, telling him more than his small smile led on. The first thing that came out of his mouth was his fiancé’s name, his voice dry and scratchy and raw. From what he could make out, everyone’s faces changed from relieved to sad in the moment. 

Brendon knew something was wrong. 

A doctor entered the room and explained to Brendon he had been unconscious for a few days and the extent of his injuries, but Brendon did not give a damn about that. All he wanted to know was where Ryan was. When he asked, the doctor put on an even more serious face and said he came into the hospital in critical condition and there was nothing they could do. 

Brendon knew what that meant. Ryan had died while Brendon slept, perfectly alive and well. After it all sank in, Brendon became hysterical, bursting into tears and screaming ‘NO!’ and ‘Ryan!’ over and over again in his hoarse voice, moving around erratically in his hospital bed. He could feel his broken body protesting, but he didn’t care. Ryan, his husband-to-be and the love of his fucking life was dead. Brendon did not stop his fit and was given a sedative to calm him down and put him asleep. 

Later, when the topic of what to do with Ryan’s body came up, Brendon knew the answer. He and Ryan had talked about many things in the preparation of marriage and the important subjects that must be relayed. When death came up in their conversation, Ryan had stated plainly (as well as wrote in his will) that he wanted Brendon to claim ownership of his business if anything were to happen to him, for his body to be cremated and not have everyone he knew to attend. He requested only close friends and family, a small-knit group, to be there, and not to mourn excessively. ‘Death was just another part of life,’ he used to say, ‘no point in dragging out the inevitable.’ Brendon wanted to fulfill his love’s wishes, so he did just that. Brendon was well enough to be released from the hospital several days later, the supposed day of their wedding where two souls would have been united as one, but was instead the final goodbye to a life taken much too soon. 

It was a rather short and modest ceremony, exactly what he wanted. Christine Ross, Ryan’s mother, took the liberty of creating a picture collage of her baby boy with ages ranging from birth to the most recent pictures of he and Brendon together, smiling brightly. She always said Ryan seemed to be happiest when he was with him and it showed. It was a beautiful sentiment and Brendon accepted the gift thankfully. 

Now, Brendon lies in his bed, their bed, as he cries into Ryan’s pillow. At the hospital, the police told him they had found all of the men responsible and were backed up with enough physical evidence and eye witness accounts to put them away for a long time without the need for Brendon to testify of the horrid event in court. Good for them for doing their jobs and putting away some bad guys, but Brendon could not care less. So what if the perpetrators are locked up for their crimes? That is not justice. Ryan is dead and there is nothing that can bring him back. 

Brendon takes a few gulps of much needed air and slips off his ring. He holds it delicately, as if one wrong move could cause it to shatter, and gently runs his index finger over the cursive engraved letters: My love for you transcends the test of time and death. Yours always, Ryan. The gold jewelry feels warm and smooth against his fingertip, reminding Brendon the soft feel of his lover’s skin, how many a time when they laid in bed holding each other, the feeling of his fingers moving against his skin that caused Ryan to fall into a peaceful sleep. 

Brendon chokes out another pained sound into the pillow. He knows full-well anything about Ryan is going to be said in past tense from now on, memories of earlier days that will become less and less vivid as time progresses. No one will ever know how handsome Ryan would have looked in his white suit on their wedding day. Would he have been nervous with shaking hands as he put the ring on Brendon's finger or confident and slipped it on with ease? Would he have settled for a simple closed lipped kiss or grabbed Brendon and dipped him romantically? Would he have pouted cutely after getting cake smashed in his face or laughed and tried to rub it on Brendon's cheek? Would the honeymoon have gone as planned, including room service in bed for breakfast, lazy mornings, and late nights? Would he have acted any differently after being legally and spiritually bound to Brendon? All of these unanswerable questions and would haves make Brendon sob even harder, the feeling of not knowing what could haveand should have happened eating him inside. 

He squeezes the ring one last time in his hand before placing it gently on the nightstand. The man rubs at his eyes furiously, but the tears continue to flow in spite of his efforts. He feels so incredibly tired and drained of energy that all he can do is clutch Ryan's pillow securely until he falls asleep, still dressed in his clothes and shoes from the funeral earlier that day.


	2. Chapter 2

Brendon has a wonderful dream that is more like a replaying of a memory. 

Ryan's hair had reached about past his shoulders when he let Brendon cut and style it, since Brendon was very keen with the idea and was going to college specializing in that field after all. After wetting his hair in the bathroom sink, he sat Ryan down in the desk chair at his apartment and went to work. Ryan promised to close his eyes the entire time so he would be surprised with the finished product, but Brendon caught him on a few occasions peeking. When Brendon was done gelling and hair spraying, he told his boyfriend it was okay to look now. 

Brendon had been biting his nails in a mix of anxiousness and anticipation because Ryan was the first real person he tested his cosmetic skills on, and although Ryan knew this, Brendon still wasn't sure if he would like it. 

At judgment time, Ryan's first reaction was a smile at the mirror before turning to Brendon and kissing the hell out of him. He absolutely loved the new look! He explained that he hadn't had his hair this short since maybe the beginning of high school, but the way it was artfully styled made it look fantastic. Brendon gave a sigh of relief and reveled in his boyfriend's distribution of hugs and kisses. 

Then, the dream is over. 

Brendon yawns loudly and stretches, his eyes remaining closed, as he gropes blindly with his hand for his fiancé, whose sleeping form should be right beside him as always. When all Brendon finds is a cold spot, his small smile drops and he truly wakes and realizes that Ryan is no longer with him. His emotions hit him like a hard punch in the stomach and all that has happened rushes back. 

He decides then that it is better knowing of his death than having to take a plunge from happiness to misery in a second's time. It feels so much worse this way. No. He cannot allow an overflowing amount of tears to take over again. He just can't. 

Brendon gets out of bed and showers by himself in the apartment for the first time, the amount of extra room making the stall seem empty, lonely. Having the water stream down his face almost covers the fact that salty tears are freely escaping from Brendon’s eyes. Almost. Instead of lying to himself, he rests his palms flat against the tiled wall, the water jets concentrated on his bowed head, and whole-heartedly cries. The sounds of his sobs reverberate off the walls, but he doesn’t care or even register the noise. 

By the time the water becomes cool, Brendon stops crying and blows the excess mucus out of his nose and lets the water wash it off his hands and down the drain. He does a quick scrub down of his body, almost to the point of pain with the amount of pressure he is applying. Putting the bar of soap down, he glances over to find his shampoo bottle when he spots Ryan’s brand instead, Dove’s Vanilla Cream. He turns his body away from the reminder of his fiancé's scent and squirts out his own shampoo, scratching hard on his scalp. After the final rinse, Brendon stays under the water for a while longer, his mind not thinking about anything particular, just being. Existing. The shaking of his body in response to the ice-cold water finally forces him out of his mindless daze. He exits the bathroom with his hair still dripping wet and a towel around his waist. 

Upon entering his bedroom again, Brendon unwraps the towel and dries his hair with it. He catches his own gaze in the wall mirror and stares at his body. He has bags under his eyes, chapped lips, and slowly fading bruises on his wan skin; He looks so frail. He sighs when his eyes lock on his bare ring finger. Brendon tosses the towel into the hamper and puts a red robe on, not having enough energy to put on actual clothing. He sits on the side of the bed, fighting with himself whether or not to put the ring on. In the end, he does. 

Brendon leaves the room without fixing the messy sheets and makes a pot of coffee, passing the urn filled with Ryan’s ashes, his wedding ring, and the picture collage on the living room mantle on his way to the kitchen. He idly sips the caffeinated beverage, thinking about how much everything reminds him of Ryan and that he cannot escape it. 

Tiring quickly of being left alone with only his thoughts, Brendon calls up Spencer. It takes two rings until his friend picks up. 

“Hey, B. What are you up to?” Spencer asks, his voice soft and scratchy, probably from sleep—since it is about 6:30 in the morning, or maybe from crying himself. Brendon knows Spencer and Ryan were best friends since they were infants; they battled the first day of kindergarten together, played little league and learned how to ride a bike together, went through the awkwardness of puberty together, and held each other through tough times with parents, school grades, cheating girlfriends, and broken hearts. Brendon is not the only one hurting and wondering what other experiences with Ryan he could have had. Spencer has lost his best friend, a person that understood him inside and out, someone who he could communicate with and not have to say a single word. Saying life is unfair is the understatement of eternity. 

“Drinking coffee, trying keep myself from breaching insanity, you know, the usual,” Brendon answers dryly. 

“I hear you on that one,” he says on the other line with a somewhat forced laugh. 

He decides the nonchalant way of going about this is not going to work. “It’s just. . . I can’t stop thinking.” 

“Whoa, that’s dangerous. Don’t hurt yourself, man,” Spencer interrupts. 

Brendon snorts, not really in the mood for joking, but not wanting to take any anger out on his friend. “I’m serious, Spence. I can’t stop thinking about Ryan. It’s not as if I want to forget about him, erase him from my life or anything like that, but . . .” Tears are forming without his consent yet again. His voice cracks and gets thicker. “I can’t get rid of these racing thoughts about what could have been, you know? Like, what if we went to that one last store he wanted to check out? I complained my feet were tired from shopping all day and wanted to go home. If I had just gone along with his idea instead of bitching about something so insignificant, we wouldn’t have passed that alley. Or if I could have been stronger or acted faster and fought them off when they threw Ryan down, maybe-” 

“Brendon. Stop,” Spencer commands forcefully. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for this. It was not in your control. Do you have any idea how many people wish they could have done one thing differently in the past that could have changed everything in their mind? A lot. And do you know what looking back into the past accomplishes? Nothing. It changes nothing, Brendon. There is nothing that anyone could have done differently, not Ryan, not the paramedics, not the doctors, and not you, especially you. Ryan knew what he was doing. He died protecting you, what he thought was right, because he loved you with all of his heart, and I would know. 

“I still don’t think you can fathom how much he loved and cared about you. My god . . . the day he first met you, Ryan told me he found the person he was going to spend the rest of his life with. I thought he was joking, because really, who the hell says that after only seeing the person for the first time? This isn’t a Shakespearean play, but Ryan was dead serious.” 

Brendon can hear Spencer sniffle, obviously crying by this point. 

“I asked him how he knew, and all he said was that he had this . . . this feeling that he just knew you were it, the one. That’s why I was so hard on you at first, B. I was so scared because Ryan was really so far gone with you in the most possible and irreversible way. He always took interest in the wrong person and would end up hurt and I had to pick up the pieces. I knew by the way he talked about you, with that fucking look in his eyes and ever-present smile, that this was different, something more, and he might not recover if you betrayed him in any way. I would have definitely tortured and murdered you if you caused him any pain. 

“So don’t you ever think that his death was your fault. When Ryan said he would die for you, he meant it. He would do it again if he could if his actions ensured your safety and well-being. I’m so happy Ryan had someone he could truly want to protect to that extent. I thought he never would, but then he found you,” Spencer finishes with a sigh. 

Dear lord, why hadn’t Brendon been informed of any of this before? He had no idea Ryan felt such a love and devotion for him that early in their relationship. This is only another added reason to increase Brendon’s emotional levels to the point where he has to catch his breath from sobbing. He can tell Spencer is still on the other line, not impatient with Brendon’s expression of sorrow. “W-why didn’t h-he tell t-this bef-fore?” 

Spencer pauses on the other end for a moment, obviously knowing what Brendon is referring to, but contemplating if he should respond to the question. He is more composed this time around, taking an audible breath before speaking. “He was going to announce it on your wedding, to make the occasion even more momentous and memorable.” 

Brendon makes a silent cry, holding the phone harder against his ear as he slumps over on the couch to curl in on himself. His free hand curls in his damp hair and he tugs repeatedly. He speaks in a whispered tone, unsure if his words are intelligible to his friend on the other line. “I can’t take it, Spencer. I never thought the human body would be capable of feeling so much pain without a physical cause. I always had wanted to find that special someone and be with them forever. I had no idea the amount of happiness one person could create in me. I didn’t have to change who I was or acted in order for him to love me, and neither did he. Every day was beautiful, even the bad ones.” He pauses to gulp down extra saliva and his throat feels tighter than usual. “I’d thought this sort of thing was just exaggerated in romantic novels and movies, but it was real. It was real, Spence. Then to have it all taken away . . . and sosuddenly . . . That same level of joy is now gone and is matched with pain. It hurts to look at his things, but even if I threw them all away, I would not be able to escape the memories of him, and I don’t want to do any of that. Love should not cause so much suffering, but I would rather live with this if it meant I could remember those times of love than to forget him. God, I don’t know what to do, Spencer. I’m lost and confused and know there is nothing that can make things right again.” 

His voice is shaking at the last sentence. 

“I think you should stay where you are and let me come to you. I know you said you wanted to be alone, but I’m also having trouble coping on my own.” 

Brendon coughs before he replies with, “All right.” He knows how stubborn of a person Spencer can be, how once he has an idea, he sticks with it no matter what. 

“I’ll leave soon, okay? Just wait for me.” 

“Okay.” 

The lines goes dead and Brendon turns off his phone as well. He places it back in its receiver and sits up, scrubbing his hands across his face. Brendon turns on the radio, not caring what station at the moment, just needing something to distract him until Spencer arrives. He lies back down on the couch with a pillow over his head, not realizing what song is playing until it’s too late. 

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I loved you. Please don't take my sunshine away._

The female singer’s soft Southern voice and guitar playing are in no way cheerful like this particular song is usually portrayed. It is instead sad. Lonely. Everything Brendon is feeling. 

He allows the tears to fall freely, sliding down his cheeks once again. It is a much better method than trying to stop the inevitable. He hopes that maybe he will run out of tears at some point. 

_The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed you held me in your arms. But when I woke, dear, I was mistaken And I hung my head down and cried._

He sobs even harder at this moment, reminded of the dream he had not an hour ago. He had been so warm and safe in his arms only to have that sense of love and happiness pulled from underneath him abruptly. 

_Babe, you told me you really loved me. And no one else could come between. But now you've left me to love another And you've broken all of my dreams._

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.You made me happy when skies were gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I loved you._

_Please don't take my sunshine away. Why'd you take my sunshine away?_

Not knowing why, Brendon sings the last couplet aloud, choking up on the last word. He feels so utterly hopeless and helpless.

**Author's Note:**

> The song cover I'm referring to at the end is "You are my Sunshine" covered by Serena Matthews.


End file.
